I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
