pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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