You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
