im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
