So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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