I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
