DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
