I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
