I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
