he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
