the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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