Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
