The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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