yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
