I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
