Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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