who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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