This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
