I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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