Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
