I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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