I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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