Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
