I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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