Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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