Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
