We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize