i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
