I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
