Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
