I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
