By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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