Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize