i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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