I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
