I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
