Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
