So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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