you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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