I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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