i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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