The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
