If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
