My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Holy shit dude........stairs
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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