the condom got lost in my hair
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
