i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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