he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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