I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i believe in u and ur pee
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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