Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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