This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
please come you make the beer taste better
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
