She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
