I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
