I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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