I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
