There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
