Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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