remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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