I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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