Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
