Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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