Betty ford says i'm here all night
too bad you live with your parents still
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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