The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize
